loymt

lipat na ako ng blogger, hirap pala ayusin ang livejournal..hehe

caloyprado.blogspot.com

haha, i went to see "pursuit of happyness". it's a nice movie, perfect for watching alone. i haven't done this in a while, watching a movie by myself. pinakahuli na yata yung batman (that was memorable too, but it's another story :) and when the movie ended, i waited for all the other people to leave, hanggang ako na lang ang natira sa theatre..haha, had always wanted to do that! actually i liked the song at the end and was waiting to see its title. nag-jeep na rin lang ako pabalik, and took a walk sa ateneo (i'll really miss the campus)..

i guess there are just some times when you feel the need to go out alone. once in a while. or maybe i'm just rationalizing kasi wala akong kasama. haha! but i actually enjoy these moments.. hindi naman siguro ako "mental" hehe. nag-psych exam kami for jvp exactly a week ago, and i realize i truly am an introvert. oh well, gaya nga ng sabi ng psy101 teacher ko: personality is something you can change overnight, but character is different. hehehe. and what's wrong with being introvert? we're all different. haha!

and i got to thinking, should i be getting used to this too - "being alone" -especially this year? well, maybe not. but i guess there will be more "alone" moments. though not necessarily lonely.

nag-uusap kami ni di-ang dati. sabi namin one year, and we'll be back in manila. pero natatakot din kami, what if we like it? what if we stay? we don't know.

what if i come back no longer me? what about the promises we friends will make - to keep in touch and see each other soon? will we really? i remember exactly 4 years ago, it was the same thing - there were the goodbyes-but-see-you-soons, kitakits-sa-katipunan, libre-mo-ako-sa-mcdo-pagbalik-natin.. and yes, we did keep in touch for a while-text, email, chat, even snail mail. but maybe one year was too long. and when we came back, we were different. some i now just greet with a simple wave or a hi or hello and nothing more. i wonder.

but i've a feeling it will be different this time :) i hope.

and you know, i think i'm missing something too. maybe that one year is something i really need, really want, and would come to really love. haha, i truly don't know. but it's something to look forward to - new people, new places, working for something i believe in.

***

more on being alone.

wala lang.. i can't help but notice the people in the cinema who went in pairs.. hehehe. i think the people most ready to be in relationships are those who are actually independent and have a healthy sense of "being alone." who want to commit to someone not just because they're lonely or can't live without the other. but because they've found someone. and the world becomes different-more beautiful?-when seen with the other, when seen by two. haha, i hope we all find our special someones. and i hope we always remember the Big Guy up there. the world is so much more beautiful when seen with Him.

nakita ko sa daan si ronajane at si ella. sila yung binibigyan ko ng plastic bottles minsan. matagal ko nang napangako na bibigyan ko sila, pero di ko nagagawa. nakatambak lang sa bahay. nagyaya sila na tumaas sa condo. sabi ko, sige. pero sabi ko rin sila lang dalawa. nabigla rin ako sa sarili. (naalala ko bigla yung mga kuwento ni sir bobby guev sa klase. paano kung biglang dumating ang pamilya mo sa immersion o area? anong gagawin mo? patutuluyin mo rin ba sila tulad ng pinatuloy ka sa tahanan nila? and i realize yes, i would. sila na nagpakain sa akin. sila na tumanggap sa akin na parang kapamilya.)

wala pang tsinelas si ronajane noon. at pagdating na pagdating namin sa may entrance, hininto na agad kami ni manong. "kasama ko po sila," sabi ko. pagdating naman sa lobby, hininto ulit kami. "kasama ko po sila."

pagdating sa elevator, ayun, natakot ang dalawa. hehe.
pumasok kami sa condo, tinipon ko yung mga nagkalat na bote at saka binigay sa kanila. sayang at wala kaming pagkain sa bahay. i would have wanted to give them more.

they say helping the poor should not be all compassion. hindi dole-out. dapat developmental. pang-long term.

but sometimes you can't help but feel you just want to give. is that so wrong? kahit kaunti lang. kahit pagtingin lang o pag-wave o pag-smile. (minsan di ko pa rin nga magawa). but maybe what i really want is for them to feel that there are still people who care. and maybe, hopefully, inspire other people to do the same too. mayabang ba?

pero minsan din, pag nakukulitan, tumatago rin ako para di maabala. see? i'm a living contradiction.

yesterday's prayer set things in perspective again.

for many weeks now, i've been so busy with acads: papers, projects, requirements, groupmates, meetings... i've been so bothered with my poor academic performance so far - dagdag pa ang pressure from groupmates and teachers. i have to impress, have to work harder, have to make up for all i've failed to do. mas marami pang mas busy, but why does it seem that i contribute so little?

and then i realize: i'm okay. i'm good. hindi naman talaga ako pabaya o patapon. and maybe, just maybe, my strengths or priorities really lie somewhere else. hindi na ganun ka-grabe ang takot ko. but i have to admit i have not really done well in acads this sem.

i also realize how i miss atsca: the prayer meetings at the end of the week, the dinners after, the area or babad the next day. i missed (probably) the first and last KADIPA for the year. missed the prayer with the incoming ebs. missed a lot. hehe.

atsca is home :)

nasa shoppersville ako kanina para bumili ng lubid na straw.
nasa may counter ako na pinag-iiwanan ng mga gamit at bag,
nang may tumawag sa akin, si ate joyce pala ang babae sa may counter.
anak ni ate fanny, kapatid ni reymark.

it's so easy to not see other people
when you're in a hurry or on your way to someone or something..

wala lang, hehe...

ei guys, pista sa marytown ngayong linggo!
iniimbitahan tayo nina manang vic na dumaan :)
at saka sa gabi ng sabado at linggo,
may miss gay at little miss mutya ng marytown, hehe.
daan tayo!

nagbabad kami nina mike at richie kanina :)

at naabutan namin sina ate nikka, ate apple, at darwin na nag-vivideoke sa bahay.
inimbita nila kaming sumali, ang fun sobra! hehe, first time kong mag-videoke sa marytown.
ganda talaga ng boses ni ate apple :)

(richie, kung nababasa mo 'to, sorry! nabigla ka yata sa videoke, pero fun naman 'di ba? hehe)

pumunta rin kami kina ate mila (na matagal na naming di nabibisita),
ang laki na nina gabriel at ni angelo! tapos sabi ni ate mila, tumaba raw mukha ko. (i've been hearing this a lot- na tumaba ako, pero mukha ko lang.. ba't ganun? sana katawan din, hehe.)

sabi naman ni flora, at least, hindi na raw ako "haggard"-looking, gaya nung last year..ha!

Kay rami niyang nakikita na nakikita rin kaya ng iba? Kay rami niyang naririnig na siya lang kaya ang nakaririnig? Kay rami niyang nararamdamang manhid ba ang iba? Kay rami niyang nais sulating udyok ng mga nakita niya, narinig, nadama.
(Kahit Walang Babasa... Ligaya Tiamson-Rubin)

[October 5: Sabi ni ma'am tessa on commitment: Sometimes we have to break the routine to re-center the heart.]

ang saya ng babad kanina sa mt at b6 :)

ros. ate victoria. brylle. joselle. laisa. reymark. judi-ann. marty. rona. ate baby. crea. ate inday. ate cecilia. noramae. ate ching. archie. irish. dex. chimney. aaron. ate dahlia. jaira.

sana wala nang bagyong dumating.

angelo. reymark. angel. toto. ate lutch. nikka. bhudoy. joanna. shavany. ate fanny.

may kuryente na sa marytown!

guys, babad tayo! :)

Nung first year high school, nasulat ko sa isang reflection paper (ewan kung anong nakain ko o kung bakit ko siya nasulat):

Sometimes when we live comfortable lives, we forget about the condition of others.


Sinulat ni Bro Louie sa pagitan ng mga linya:

Never forget this, Caloy.

tsinelas mo
mas malaki sa paa
payat na ang suwelas
may butas pa

Nag-aaral akong mag-isa nang dumating sina Luwisa, Rona Jane, at Philip. Nakausap ko sila, at tinuruan nila ako ng "gwordsh"!

Agang sagayaga! Magarugunogong naga agakogong magagsagaligitaga!

Kakaibang wika. Yung nauunawaan ng lahat pero bihirang nagagamit. Tinulungan nila ako.

Bakit kaya madali para sa kanilang kausapin ang isang taong tulad ko - siryoso (mukhang siryoso?), medyo isnub minsan (nagkukunwari lang?), mahiyain (according to fr. mike, I’m not shy daw, I’m just pretending to be shy...hmmm)? Dahil siguro madalas walang ibang taong kumakausap sa kanila. Pero ang dami mong matututunan mula sa kanila.

Nabigyan din ako ng sigla sa pag-aaral.

Magag-agaagaragal agakogo pagaraga saga kaganigilaga.
Sagalagamagat luguwigisaga, rogonagajaygen, agat phigiligip.

Pagbabalik-loob (from kuya kev)
1. Pag-aalaala.
2. Pasasalamat.
3. Pagpapanibago.


maybe you’ve lost and missed a lot, but maybe you’ve gained so much too. it’s knowing that the bonds and friendships remain that makes you realize it was worth it all.

you see, it’s also a painful experience. you look at pictures and they remind you of what used to be. the many people that have come and gone. you wish you could have done or said something more. but maybe you gave and gave and became so tired and used up. but never really gave yourself.

Nag-catalogue kami ng mga libro para sa ABaKaDamayan. Ngayon ko lang nakita na ang mga youth namin ay hindi na pala "youth". Tumatanda na sila. Si Kuya Shavany, may trabaho na. Sina Ate Lutch at Ate Apple M, abala na sa kolehiyo. Sina Bhudoy, Dharwin, Joanna, Nikka graduate na ng high school, may trabaho o naghahanap ng trabaho. Si Flora, graduating na, active na active na sa YFC. Si Marshmallow at Celestina, nagnu-nursing sa Cubao. Si Ate Mhedy, nagta-trabaho na sa Cavite. Si Ate Apple D, nagta-transfer ng paaralan. Si Toto, bihira ko na rin makita. Si Bona, nagsabi sa akin, baka huminto muna siya ng pag-aaaral. Namimiss ko na sila. Hindi ko akalaing dahan-dahang mawawala ang mga kakilala ko sa MYCO, matapos lang ang dalawang taon simula nang unang makilala ko sila. (May papel kaya kami rito?)

Nakakalungkot...

Pero ang daming bata sa chapel! Sina Racquel, Rodtrina, Judi-Anne, Judi-Mae, at mga anak ni Ate Melrose. Andun din sina Mami Jo, Gino, Hannah, Bianx, at ang mga laptop nina Julie, Nescy, at Jekki, hehe. Nagkanda-gulu-gulo nga ang mga libro at rubber mats dahil sa mga bata. Pagkatapos ng pag-catalogue, nag-aya ang mga bata na pumunta sa Shoppersville kasi may free food daw. Ang kulit! Bilisan ko na raw ang pagligpit at paglakad. Aba, pagdating namin, wala nang natirang hotdog. Mga pira-pirasong cheese na lang na naka-toothpick, at libreng kape.

Napatawa ako...

Pero nakakalungkot din. Sa kapiranggot na hotdog o cheeese, tuwang-tuwa na sila. Sayang at ubos na.

Masaya ba ako bilang EB?

Sabi nila, mukha raw akong pagod na pagod lagi.
Stressed. Halata raw sa mukha ko.

Totoo. Minsan maraming inaalala, minsan maraming inaasikaso.
Pero baka kasi may kaligayahang hindi mo lang talaga maitatawa.

Baka. hehe.

Beneath the mask, all the while,
was not a frown but a smile :)

Pagkatapos mag-lunch out kasama ang mga kapwa on-the-job-trainees sa makati.

May nagtext:

How do you get people to reject and fight poverty if you choose to be poor and love poverty?

May nagtangkang sumagot (nagmamarunong):

To be poor and to love poverty, what does it really mean? It is not romanticizing poverty. It is not saying that poverty is ideal, something that everyone should experience. I think it means knowing the poor, being with them, understanding. We cannot fight poverty without knowing it. We cannot know without experience. I think it really means loving the poor, they who need love the most, and not loving their condition.

Si Ate Rose, anak si Aires (matalino!), pina-absent niya sa paaralan minsan, para lang makapunta sila ng Wowowee. Pero pagdating ng linya sa kanila, sinabihan silang bumalik na lang daw bukas.


Sabi niya minsan sa akin: "Alam mo pagkatapos mo ng kolehiyo, ikaw ang hahanapin ng trabaho."

Kagagaling ko lang kina Ate Jocelyn. Anak niya si Ate Melai, na gusto sanang magkolehiyo pero walang sapat na pera. Nagbebenta sila ng banana cue. (P6 lang ang isang stick!) May community mass kasi mamayang umaga, at may munting salu-salo pagkatapos. Simula ng AtSCA Week, hehe! Gabi na nang makadaan ako sa kanila. Pagkatapos naming pag-usapan ang mangyayari bukas, natahimik siya. At nagtanong sa akin:

Caloy, ganun na lang ba talaga ang buhay?

Na may mahirap, may mayaman. Tulad namin, ganito na talaga noon pa.

Sila, hindi naman sila masasamang tao, ang bait nga. Pero kung tutuusin, mas mahirap pa ang kalagayan nila kaysa sa amin. Ganun na lang ba talaga?

Akala siguro ng iba, porke't may nabebenta kami, may pera na. Pero sapat lang talaga ang kinikita namin para sa mga bayarin, minsan nga kulang pa. Ganito lang talaga kami araw-araw.

Siguro naman pagsubok lang ito, diba?

Kayo ba, Caloy, pag natapos sa pag-aaral, may trabaho agad?

Sabi ni Ate Fanny, "Ganun naman talaga kasi pag Atenista, nakatutok talaga sa pag-aaral, diba?"

Kung sinabi siguro yun sa akin ng kaklase o kaibigan, baka magalit ako. Hindi lang naman kami nag-aaral. Pero sinabi siya ni Ate Fanny, at totoo siya. Hindi ko masasabing mali. Sapagkat ibang-iba talaga ang mundo namin... At dahil dito, mas ninanais kong makilala sila.